Monday, March 11, 2013

"Gobsmacked" Doesn't Begin To Cover It.

In my personal history, 2012 will be remembered as "emotional shit storm david" because well, it was.  EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH. there was some new and exciting way that he managed, quite without trying, to shatter my world.

One of the highlights was June, when he was drinking too much and caught his ex - the one that he's been in love with since he was 13 - in a lie and it made him feel all bad and guilty so he called me and confessed his (many, many, many) sins from when we were together.  Thanks.  I needed to hear most of that... never.  This was good in that I decided it was way past time that I took a more... proactive... approach to getting over him.  So I joined an online dating site.  Except that I was broken and looking for a rebound so I thought it was kind of dishonest to go on one of those "happily ever after" website.  Wow.  I've learned a lot I didn't want to know about the male of our species.  And, in July, I met Chris.  Chris and I saw each other for several months, but his repeated no call, no shows drove me nuts so I ended it.  And then a couple of months later, he texted me and we ended up getting back together.  We haven't been in what I'd call a relationship because it's been pretty much completely physical. 

And for the last year, I've felt like crap.  But I really figured that most of it was depression left over from emotional shit storm david.  In August, I got a sinus infection, and the head goo never went away.  So, I haven't been able to breathe in months.

In the beginning of February this year, the head goo flared up again and I felt really awful, so I made a doctors appointment.  I was coughing so hard that I pulled something in my back, and it hurt to breathe for several days.  And right around the same time, these weird feelings started in my stomach.  So when I went to the doctor on Feb 15 for the head goo, I also peed in a cup.  And.  It's positive.

Thirty years of not wanting kids.  Eighteen years of completely neurotic birth control use.  Down the drain.  I went for an ultrasound that day, and it turns out that I was very nearly one of those women on TV - I was 28 weeks when I found out.  My OB told me last week that for women like me with screwy hormones and irregular cycles, the nuviring can actually make you "super fertile" in the one week that it is out every month.  It would have been really fucking good if THAT had been listed in their brochure or online or SOMEWHERE.  Or if my doctor had mentioned it when I started on the damn things in July.  (The math adds up - I got pregnant after the first one came out in early August.)  So, yeah, my birth control apparently leveled things out and helped me get knocked up.  Fan-fucking-tastic.  

Over that weekend, I googled all of the doctors that my primary care doctor sent me and chose an OB.  The next week was a whirl of talking to the OB clinic and getting my first appointment set up, a pregnancy class, the appointment (with a total bitch of a midwife, but that's another story), another ultrasound (28 weeks and 2 days!) and then traveling for work.  That Monday, I also told Chris.  We were both careful, and I'd been told before that I'd probably need help if I decided to try for kids, so shock doesn't begin to cover it.  It is, as of this moment, about 80% that he's going to walk away.  Or, if I don't hear from him this week, that I will send him away because I just need things settled and I'm SO very sick of waiting for the phone to ring.

So.  Here I am.  My daughter is due May 15.  And I really have no idea what to do now.  But every time I see something else about my "support person" or bringing my spouse or whatever, it makes me tear up because I am so sick of being alone, and I've never felt more alone in my life.