Sunday, December 15, 2013

The Unfairness of It All

Something's been bugging me for a while. I love my daughter, I do. 
But I spent 18 years arduously avoiding pregnancy and was relieved when I was told that I'd probably never them.  In spite of that, and the nuvering, and the condom, I found out at 28 weeks that I was pregnant. (And I'm lucky she didn't pop out wearing that damn thing as her first bracelet.) Right up until I had her, I was seriously considering adoption because I had a fabulous life that I loved a lot.
So, you know, it's been a fairly traumatic year for me and I do my best to make light of it and I'm determined to be the best mom I can be and I'm making the best decisions for her that I can... but some days are harder than others which kinda makes me feel like those whiners in 'first world problems' or whatever. (Oh, poor little me, with my fantastic supportive parents, awesome new job and perfect baby - I can't sleep in when I want to anymore.)

 So I was talking to a couple of people at dinner this week, and I told them the highlights of my year, and the lady started to cry because she tried for 5 years, lost twins at 4.5 months, tried for another 2 years, lost that one at 5 months, gave up and then had her daughter (who almost killed her) a year or so later.  And she was really having an issue with the comparison. and I can't really blame her, because it's something that I feel kind of guilty about.  
I' m struggling with still coming to terms with having a child at all, and then I am also struggling with the unfairness of it all - people who so desperately want children and would be such awesome parents put themselves through hell trying to have them, to no avail, while I tried so hard to NOT have them, and then have the easiest pregnancy ever and now I have this gorgeous child. (And don't get me started on the sperm donor buying a boat this year while I left Chicago to afford his child.)

I don't do regret - what's the point? - and I'm not a believer in plan of a higher power, but any words of wisdom about reconciling my brain right now would be welcome.