Something's been bugging me for a while. I love my daughter, I do.
But I spent 18 years arduously avoiding pregnancy and was relieved when I was told that I'd probably never them. In spite of that, and the nuvering, and the condom, I found out at 28 weeks that I was pregnant. (And I'm lucky she didn't pop out wearing that damn thing as her first bracelet.) Right up until I had her, I was seriously considering adoption because I had a fabulous life that I loved a lot.
So, you know, it's been a fairly traumatic year for me and I do my best to make light of it and I'm determined to be the best mom I can be and I'm making the best decisions for her that I can... but some days are harder than others which kinda makes me feel like those whiners in 'first world problems' or whatever. (Oh, poor little me, with my fantastic supportive parents, awesome new job and perfect baby - I can't sleep in when I want to anymore.)
So I was talking to a couple of people at dinner this week, and I told them the highlights of my year, and the lady started to cry because she tried for 5 years, lost twins at 4.5 months, tried for another 2 years, lost that one at 5 months, gave up and then had her daughter (who almost killed her) a year or so later. And she was really having an issue with the comparison. and I can't really blame her, because it's something that I feel kind of guilty about.
So I was talking to a couple of people at dinner this week, and I told them the highlights of my year, and the lady started to cry because she tried for 5 years, lost twins at 4.5 months, tried for another 2 years, lost that one at 5 months, gave up and then had her daughter (who almost killed her) a year or so later. And she was really having an issue with the comparison. and I can't really blame her, because it's something that I feel kind of guilty about.
I' m struggling with still coming to terms with having a child at all, and then I am also struggling with the unfairness of it all - people who so desperately want children and would be such awesome parents put themselves through hell trying to have them, to no avail, while I tried so hard to NOT have them, and then have the easiest pregnancy ever and now I have this gorgeous child. (And don't get me started on the sperm donor buying a boat this year while I left Chicago to afford his child.)
I don't do regret - what's the point? - and I'm not a believer in plan of a higher power, but any words of wisdom about reconciling my brain right now would be welcome.
I don't do regret - what's the point? - and I'm not a believer in plan of a higher power, but any words of wisdom about reconciling my brain right now would be welcome.
1 comment:
Ericka,
I have a feeling you're much stronger than your blog indicates. I think it may be one of the few places you let your pain/ambivalence out. I commented a few months ago when I stumbled onto your blog; I was just checking back in, curious to see how you're adjusting to one of the biggest leaps a woman ever takes (I promise I'm not a stalker).
There's a partner out there for you, if you believe it. One thing (out of many) having a child can do for you is help you redefine your minimum requirements for a relationship. The stakes seem higher...
Other people's probs can help put ours in perspective. But acknowledging them doesn't always lessen/remedy ours. That other woman's tears don't diminish yours. It's ok to know/feel that.
I'm a grandma now. As the Dead said, what a long strange trip it's been. I can still feel myself back there though, pregnant and marrying a man who cared about me but wasn't ready for parenthood. I construed his withdrawn attitude countless times as him rejecting me. But NOBODY could've overcome his unready state. To this day, although we love each other, I wish he had entered our marriage of his own volition.
I have to say, probably the biggest help to me ever was the self-examination I did in therapy. I had had some serious therapy prior to motherhood but my new identity needed more.
You're worth a good, happy life. So is your baby.
I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.
I wish you every happiness. Feel free to correspond if you want, no judgment.
Good luck, dear.
Monya
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