From the Archives...

I'm saving things I've written about elsewhere, since I'm not sure how long that forum will continue to exist.

From Wednesday, June 22, 2005: "Glued to You, Too"
I co-opted in college at a fiberglass company. One fine day I was running some tests on a couple of different adhesives (they smelled SO good) that we had gotten in. One required heat and pressure to set. The other was pretty much industrial superglue. My luck, they had mislabeled which was which. So I THOUGHT I had all kinds of time and I had this glue all over my hand and I put my hand down on the work bench and... stuck. So I tugged and pulled... still stuck. The work bench was this huge steel thing that I couldn't move at all and I threw myself backwards as hard as I could but... still stuck. So I started trying to reach the acetone that would dissolve the glue, but it was on another bench. And I stretched and pulled and threw myself in THAT direction. No dice, but that didn't stop me from exhausting myself trying to reach it.

Just about then, one of the VP's of the company comes into the lab, so I tried to assume a fairly comfortable position - one that didn't scream that I'd glued myself to a table. He walked over to me and told me that he had some paperwork that I had asked for. Not willing to admit that I'd glued myself down, I tried for nonchalance and told him that I'd be along shortly. At this point, he was starting to smirk, and he said that he had meetings and now was really better. So, I said that I'd be right along and he should go ahead. At which point he burst into laughter and said 'you've glued yourself to the table, haven't you?' while I was trying to figure out how to plausibly deny this, he holds the acetone bottle just out of reach and starts singsonging 'trying to reach this?' *sigh* That was not my best day.

From Friday, June 24, 2005: "Some Mornings Suck More Than Others"
I had to come in an hour earlier than normal this morning for a meeting. Ergle. And I just now realized that I only applied deodorant on one side this morning.

Also this morning, I tripped over the cat and sent my BlackBerry into a sink full of water. I have to say that these blackberries are much more durable that you'd think, 'cause it's still working.

But I have several new lovely bruises where I crashed into the wall tripping over the cat and then the sink trying to grab the slippery little BlackBerry.

Then I put the coffee pot into the fridge and noticed only because the milk jug wouldn't fit under the coffee filter basket. Left my car keys in the house and couldn't figure out why my house key wouldn't open the car door. AND then got stuck on the car door 'cause the strap of my bag got caught on the corner of the door. *sigh*

From Tuesday, June 28, 2005: "Historical Car Moment"
Since I got hung up on the car door the other day, I thought I'd share another stellar car door moment from the archives.

I learned to drive in a Chevy Suburban. Man, I miss that truck! It could pass anything but a gas station. At any rate, I drove it to school one day 'cause I had a large ungainly project to transport.

I am not exactly tall, and the Suburban wasn't what you'd call low to the ground so to disembark, I had to hop/jump/rappel out. So I slung my backpack over my shoulders, opened the door, hit the lock button automatically and jumped. Somehow or another, I managed a series of events - 1 - my backpack strap got hooked over the door; 2 - I bumped the door closed on the strap and 3 - the force of the jolt when the door closed caused me to drop my keys. The result of this series of events was that the keys were on the ground and I was dangling nearly 2 feet above the ground by my backpack, which was securely closed in the locked door.

Trapped. Trapped like a rat. Trapped like a rat while my esteemed fellow students laughed like hyenas at my predicament. Trapped further when a teacher came over to figure out what they were laughing at, and nearly hurt himself laughing at me as well. *sigh* Eventually, he recovered enough to get the keys, unlock the door and free me from captivity.

Looking back, I can only thank the stars that camera phones didn't yet exist.


From Friday, July 22. 2005: "Irony on a Sunday"
I have 'moments' often enough, that if I detailed all of 'em, I'd never get anything else done but last weekend's moment just smacks of the sort of irony I enjoy, when it happens to someone else.

When I get really ticked off at the world, very little makes me feel better than the sound of breaking china. Not glass, china. So, I haunt yard sales and goodwill and pick up cheap china, just so I can hurl it into walls when I feel like it.

The walls in my apartment would NOT react well to this treatment, so I use a brick wall outside. (My neighbors thought I was nuts BEFORE I started throwing things.)

Last weekend, I was out playing in my flowers in my bare feet. I stepped on something that REALLY hurt and after I dug it out of the bottom of my foot, I realized that it was a china fragment from my last temper tantrum. The china gets the last laugh this time!

From Tuesday, August 2, 2005: "Smokin'!!"
My work keeps the building very cold - I detest air conditioning - and so we've gotten into the habit of eating outside to warm up. (I bask in the sun like a reptile to store warmth for the rest of the day.) The tables outside are stone, with stone benches. Only one table has a tilt feature on the umbrella, but it gets quite toasty on the benches in the sun.

So yesterday, I took my lunch outside, wrestled the umbrella into the right position and plopped myself down for lunch. The bench was VERY warm. Uncomfortably warm...Ooh, my biscuits are burning warm. Well, these tables are built for 4 and we usually squish 7 or 8 people at each one, so I really didn't have room to sit anywhere else at the table. So I sat on that really hot bench for an hour...and now, ladies and gentlemen, I have burnt my ass - I got a sunburn from that damn bench!

Bonus friend moment: My friend C just told me that she went home last night, pulled in her driveway, shut off the car, got out and stuffed her key in the garage door (she just moved in and hasn't installed the garage door opener yet), and then spent several minutes swearing and fighting with the key, which wasn't unlocking the door. At some point, she realized that it wasn't unlocking the door because it wasn't her door. She had pulled into the driveway 2 down from hers.

From Friday, August 5, 2005: "Hair Moment, Revisited"
*sigh* I took my hair down last night and as usual, my disobedient hair wrapped itself around everything around me. Not thinking about it, I realized I was late for a meeting, jumped up to take off and was attacked by my chair, which was attached to me by several feet of hair. The chair came at me, I jumped backwards, tripped over my computer bag and landed in a heap on the floor, with my chair on top of me, still attached. AND not only did I land on the floor under the chair, I ended up in the aisleway between my cube and the wall, just as the VP of operations walked by. *shakes head* Why me?!?

From Monday, August 22, 2005: "Need More Caffeine..."
So yesterday I took the trash out to the dumpster, walking past my neighbors - who were sitting out on their patio enjoying the day. Got to the dumpster, spied my jeep and decided that I needed to check the oil. Went past the neighbors to go in and get my car keys. Realized that I was still holding the trash bag. Passed the neighbors to throw away the trash. Then passed them again to get my car keys then again with the keys to get into the jeep. Then again to find a paper towel to clean the oil off the dipstick then again to get back to the jeep to check the oil. Then again to go inside. Then back to the jeep to retrieve the house keys from the jeep. *giggle* They kind of looked like they were watching a tennis match - back and forth, back and forth. The last few times I wandered past them, they had a distinct look of - wow, something is WRONG with her - on their faces.


From Friday, December 2, 2005: "Coffee Mornings"
Every morning has a routine - I get into work, turn the 'puter on, grab my carafe and trudle off to the coffee station. This morning, like every other, I filled the carafe and hauled it back to my desk.

Today, I attempted to multitask, which always works well before my first shot of caffeine. So I was reading emails as I was pouring and pouring and pouring 'cause I kinda forgot that arm hanging in the air with the coffee pot. I totally flooded my entire desk - most of a pot of coffee tidalwaved over and out of the mug and washed my desk and most everything on it onto the floor, which is currently squishing.

*sigh* It's going to be a LONG day. I can just tell.

From Monday, December 19, 2005: "Dude, Where's My Car?"
so saturday night i braved the mall to do some christmas shopping. they're open 'till 11, so i arrived around 8:30, parked and went in.

just on a side note, what the hell HAPPENS to people in a mall?!? they walk normally in the parking lot, i've seen 'em do it! then they get inside and suddenly they're trying to propel themselves through syrup. hello! move your ass! i'm not here for the scenery and i WILL run your ass over if you don't stay out of my way. i know people who consider a trip to the mall as entertainment. i do not understand those people. i think of it as a war, and i'm not willing to take prisoners. i have an objective, a timeframe and i like the sound people make when they hit the ground and all the air rushes out of their lungs. grr.


anywho... i really don't like this mall 'cause it confuses me. it's got several levels and they all have entrances and i always get confused about what entrance i parked near and what level i have to be on to get out - erk, it's horrid. (keep your smartass remarks about my sense of direction to yourself, please.) and really, i'm sure the sight of me racing past people to one end of the mall only to stop in befuddlement, turn around and race the other way kept the security people entertained for the evening.

so, i finally finish my shopping (or more correctly, give up, utterly unable to deal any further with the rest of humanity), locate a likely looking exit and flee the building, lugging about 400 lb of christmas crap... only to wander around the nearly empty parking lot, freaking out 'cause i can't find the jeep that i know i parked RIGHT THERE. i found and commandered a shopping cart, which made lugging the crap easier, but it was REALLY FREAKING COLD and my jeep was totally gone and i was panicing bigtime - aargh someone stole it and i don't have time to deal with this!! so i decided to get security and i made my way back to the building. by this point, the mall is closed and the doors are locked, but before i decide to erm, finesse, the door, someone waiting for a ride let me in.

now you can picture me in my old-lady-purple coat, pushing a shopping cart full of bags and muttering to myself wandering lost in an empty shopping mall, looking for security... when i realize that i passed a hallmark going in and there's no hallmark in this hallway. crap. my next plan was to find a mall directory to locate the hallmark so i can get out and wow, that's like snipe hunting in december. but eventually i truimphed - at the wrong end of the mall and on the wrong level as well. *sigh*

so i truddled with my cart to the other end of the mall and up the down escalator (as entertaining as it could have been, they'd been turned off by this point) and out the correct door where my jeep was sitting in solitary splendor right where i left it. i felt kinda bad leaving the cart there in the cold when it had been so helpful...

flash to today, when i had to go out at lunch to pick up a filing cabinent. and once again it is freakin' cold here (chicago in december, go figure) and i have NO clue where i parked. so, i was wandering up and down the rows of cars when a coworker pulls up and rolls down his window to see what exactly i'm doing out there. and i told him that i couldn't remember where i put my car, and i was kind of looking around trying to spot it and he says to me - "you really have no clue where it is, do you?" he did offer to drive me around the parking lot and help look, but it's not that big of a lot and i'd already wandered through most of it and my jeep was in the aisle i was in, just hiding behind a hummer so i was close...

so there you have it - twice in three days i have totally and completely lost my vehicle and had to wander around outside in sub-zero weather for several minutes to find it. *headdesk* why me?