Friday, September 06, 2013

Bitter Tears

 I told my daughter's father tonight, via phone, that we were moving to Ohio, and he started cracking jokes about taking my dead plants and who had to move my tons of books, as tears slid silently down my face. 
My fault, for fucking someone I barely knew to get over someone else. 
My fault, for wishing that he cared enough to even try when he so clearly doesn't. 
My fault, for letting emotions get in the way, for the little thrill that went through me when he said my name.   We've been "together" or whatever you want to call it for over a year, and this is the first time he's said my name.  I wasn't even really sure he knew it.
My fault, for breaking apart a little every time he says "my daughter" and means the real daughter, with his ex-wife, the one he acknowledges. 
And so I sit here on my couch, and watch my daughter sleep, and I mourn for the daddy that she'll never have and the hole in her life that I can't fix and it's killing me and there's nothing I can do about it. Every time I think that I'm as hurt as I'm going to be and surely it'll start getting better, it gets worse. and I am just so tired and heart-sore. And maybe one day, I'll be able to look at a father and daughter or read about a happy family and not be engulfed by a wave of agony for what will never be that damn near brings me to my knees. At this point, I don't even know which I hurt for the most - that he can walk away from her so easily, or from me. But I wish, oh how I wish, that I wasn't so easy to leave. And gods, I hope this scabs over quickly because I don't know how much more I can take.


Dawn said...

I'm sorry that you feel so sad and alone.......

It's not your fault that you fell in lust and then love - it's human nature. So you have a child by this man that will not stand with you or acknowledge the baby that is his child too - so what?

Judging by your previous posts you seem to be a very intelligent woman, but you are emotionally disabled by this one 'man' you can't let go of.

Do yourself and your baby a favor and move away, your baby doesn't need a 'dad' like that and you deserve better. Move on....doors will open, your child will flourish and you will look back on these "bitter tears" and wonder what you ever worried about. Just go do it!

Best Wishes.

The Caustic Bunny said...

I was a child free guy in an earlier marriage and then single for several years.

Now I've got a wife and a teenage child who's "father" lost interest after financial support was withdrawn.

I'm not actively trying to raise her, just provide the structure she needs to figure it out for herself. But I do help with homework, encourage her to try anything she wants, and occasionally treat her to something I think she'll get a lot out of (like travel).

Point is: I'm not the only one.