Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Air Travel Tips

I posted this last year on Facebook and was told I should publish it.  Heh.

Ahhhh, the glamor of travel... I know that I travel a lot, and should be more patient with people who CLEARLY never leave their house but gods above, people, you make me crazy!  Congratulations, Cleveland Hopkins, you definitely win some kind of wanna-be Darwin award for the sheeple wandering helplessly around the airport tonight (11/19/2013).

So, as a public service announcement, please observe the following guidelines:

1. DO have your boarding pass and id ready before you get to the first check-point.

2. Do NOT give the boarding pass to your toddler to hold.  Or your passport.  Who does that?!?

3. Do NOT freak out on the TSA guy when he won't just believe that your toddler dropped your passport and boarding passes somewhere and he should just let you thru so you can make your plane.  This is not his fault.  It's not the toddler's fault either so I'm totally judging you for yelling at him until he cried (toddler, not TSA guy).  Way to go, parent of the year.

4. DO realize - before you reach security - that your teenager DOES need his/her own ticket/boarding pass.

5. Do NOT wear thigh high, skin tight, lace up boots.  WTF, woman?

6. Do us all a favor and take off coat, belt, shoes, etc as you go, just like the rest of us.  Also, the five pounds of scrap metal that you hung around your neck is going to need to come off too.

7. DO put toiletries in the approved baggie prior to your arrival at security.  Yes, it's stupid.  Screaming at the TSA agents because they won't let you take a 32 ounce bottle of shampoo thru just makes all of us want to beat you to death with it.  And we don't care that you paid $200 for the face goo in the 5 ounce container.  This confirms our opinion of your intelligence.  The many steel balls of various sizes in your braids made for a festive touch as well, 'cause that looked FINE on the x-ray.  Yay for planning ahead!

8. Do NOT stop suddenly and stare helplessly into space in the middle of the hallway.  You will get run over, and I'm wearing steel toes, so it's going to hurt. 

9. Those moving walkways?  They are not called "stand theres," are they?  MOVE, dammit.

10. When you get on the plane first, and you have an aisle seat, do NOT assume that the plane is yours and make yourself comfy by spreading everything you own across all three seats.  We love having to wait longer while you gather everything up so the window guy can get in.  Really.

11. Before you leave your house, pick up your carryon.  If you can't lift it, remove some of your stuff or check the bag.  Do NOT get to your seat, stare at the overhead, announce that you can't pick up your luggage and then plunk yourself down in your seat and expect someone else to load your belongings for you.  Also?  When we all get off the plane and the escalator isn't working, don't expect your fellow passengers to haul your shit up the staircase.

And finally, 12. When a woman lugging a carseat with an infant in it plus her carryon comes onto the plane, accompanied by her 2 small children, standing there bitching about how you hate traveling near children while watching her struggle to get everyone settled AND blocking the aisle so no one else can help her either makes YOU the problem, not her.  (Note: I have no idea how that woman did it - she's clearly some sort of magician - but her children played and talked very quietly the entire flight.  That woman deserves a metal.)


The Caustic Bunny said...

All that and this too:

-Do not sneeze without covering your entire mouth. I will double duty the oxygen mask as a hermetical seal.

-Do not lean back so as to acquaint your expanding cow lick with my chin. I will draw on your bald spot with sharpies.

-Don't assume that a few friendly words constitutes an invitation to a full blown conversation if I am also leaning back and closing my eyes. I can steer our chat to prey upon your darkest fears of flying if you'd like.

Margaret Garland said...
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