Temeraire

I love dragons. I always have. They're just so cool. And quite by accident, I discovered a new author who has become one of my favorites: Naomi Novak.

Her publishing company took the unusual step of having her first three novels come out in a single year. This was awesome, since I devoured all three in a weekend. This sucks, 'cause now I have to wait for a year for the next one. NOW, dammit! How dare you attempt a life?!?! Just sit there and write!

Anywho, her books are about the adventures of a former sea captain who, during the Napoleonic Wars, manages to accidently bond with a young dragon. Temeraire was captured from the French as an egg and hatched before the ship could get into port. As England is struggling with the French, and dragons are crucial for aerial combat, Lawrence reluctantly gives up his ship for a life in the Corps, defending England from the air. Temeraire ends up being a very rare Chinese dragon, known for their grace and intelligence and the two of them get into all sorts of fixes.

It's a very engaging series, and makes me even more bitter that I can't have a dragon of my own. For a quick taste, you can check out a short story (set between the first and second books) on her website.

So, curl up with these books and a cup o'joe and enjoy. You can thank me later. ;-)

Newest news: A movie is in the works, directed by Peter Jackson. I loved LOTR, so I'm not too worried about the books being butchered by some witless movie dork. Really, I'm not. *gulp*

Golf Outing

Okay, so I'm not a golfer. I've never actually done it before. Not even at a driving range. I'm not even particularly capable of miniature golfing. The last time that I went miniature golfing was several years ago, and I nearly killed an old guy. The hole in question required you to whack the ball up a hill and under a little bridge. It curved around in a loop until it went over the little bridge to the hole. I was having a bit of trouble getting it up the hill - it kept rolling back to where it started. So, I had a mild temper tantrum and WHACKED it whereupon it lifted into the air, hit the little bridge, rebounded back through the air and whacked the guy standing behind us in the forehead. He went down like he'd been hit by a hammer. Turns out he had a concussion. So I'm not exactly batting a thousand here. And mostly, I'm okay with that.

But... every year my company has a golf outing, open to everyone. Last year, all of my friends went and had so much fun that they're STILL talking about it. So I determined that this year, I would not be left out. It was originally scheduled for September 24th, but we'd gotten so much rain that the course was underwater, so it was rescheduled for October 1. I thought Sunday was an odd day for it, but maybe that's just my ignorance showing through.

I ended up on a team with a friend, we'll call her Laverne, who has also never golfed before; another friend - we'll call him Lenny - who golfs once a year or so and Lenny's 11 year old son. We'll call him Squiggy. Squiggy's never been on a golf course before. I told Lenny that this outing probably wasn't the best place for a child and it was okay to have a threesome but he'd "already told Squiggy and he was excited."

A point to remember. I do not have children. I prefer it that way. OPKs (other people's kids) are okay in small doses if they are well controlled. A choke chain works. Lenny, who is a very close friend of mine, does not believe in discipline. Actually, he and his wife are completely subservient to their little angels, to the point that they've not been invited to peoples' homes because other people don't want their uncontrolled beasts running amuck in their houses. But I digress.

Laverne and I were in one golf cart, Lenny and Squiggy in another. Let me pause here briefly and backtrack.

My friend, D, WAS going to take me to the driving range prior to this little expedition but the weather and her family schedule didn't cooperate. She did, however, set me up with spare clubs. Right-handed ones. Have I ever mentioned that I'm left-handed? Right, well. I am. More ambidextrous than most but still... left-handed. D and I drove together to the golf course, which was in the middle of freaking nowhere. It took us over an hour to get there. But we arrived, and they handed us beer and keys to the golf carts, nearly in one motion. That just seems wrong to me, but whatever.

So, Laverne and I in one golf cart, Lenny and Squiggy in the other. Tee off was at 1:00. At 12:45, Squiggy is whining that he wants to go. Go now. Why should we have to wait, let's just go... with the cart in reverse, so it was squawking that high pitched beep noise. Before we even started, and I'm ready to really hurt Squiggy. Finally, mere moments before I snap and start pounding on the brat with a nine iron (or a six, what's the difference?), the guy in charge makes his announcements and we're all off.

Here's something odd. The golf course has an air strip running right down the middle of it. It's a tiny one - just grass with rows of cones but it separates the first nine holes and the second. The whole day was spent being buzzed by cute little planes taking off and landing. You had to make sure the coast was clear before crossing back and forth over the fairway. Very early in the day, we nearly lost the beer cart 'cause the lady crossed in front of a plane taking off and froze in the middle of the runway. The plane pulled WAY up and managed to miss her by about two inches. Very exciting stuff. I'm told that this is not normal for golf courses.

So we get to the first hole, which for us was hole 6. This was to be a scramble, playing every shot from the best and using at least three shots from every member of the foursome. So Laverne sticks her tee in the ground, balances the ball and gets ready to swing... and Squiggy yells that he wants to be first, runs in front of her and puts his tee in the ground about 9" ahead of hers. And Lenny remains quiet. Squiggy nearly brained Laverne going first as she scrambled backwards out of the way. It took him several tries to hit the ball, which went about four feet beyond the tee box. He then yells that we will be using his shot. Laverne tees again, gets ready to swing and Squiggy starts yapping, just to distract her. She hits, then I hit. Okay, I swung a couple of times and then connected but it wasn't too bad. Then Lenny nails the poor little ball a couple hundred yards. Holy crap! If it were a baseball, it woulda been outta there!

So we hop in our carts and we're off! Laverne and I split it equally - she drove the first nine holes, I drove the last. Lenny let Squiggy drive. Actually I suppose a better way to say it was that Squiggy didn't let Lenny drive.

The entire day was an exercise in not bashing that child's head in. We didn't talk to anyone else, because everyone knows what Lenny's spawn are like and won't come anywhere near them. At every hole on every shot, the child yelled, squealed, barked, threw balls, drove the cart in front of the tee box - whatever he could do to distract you from hitting your shot. He ripped the hell out of the course - several pounds of every sandtrap onto the green, divets the size of the rodent in Caddyshack, stabbing the flag into the ground, moving the markers. Ooh, and on several occasions, someone yelled "fore!" and a ball came bouncing by, and Squiggy took them. He left that day with quite the collection of balls from other players. The entire time, Lenny was correcting him - but he never once followed through with anything. Squiggy didn't even look over at Lenny while Lenny was telling him not to do something. Lenny told Squiggy four freaking times that he was done driving for the day, and when it was time to move on, Squiggy hopped behind the wheel, and Lenny sat down next to him and didn't say another word about it. Once, Lenny got the wheel away from Squiggy, and used the opportunity to show the little darling how to skid sideways to a stop a la Dukes of Hazard. Fortuately, that was near the end of the day, so there weren't too many huge ruts from the cart.

Finally, FINALLY, we finished - at a bit after 6:00 and went in to dinner. That was about the longest five hours of my life. And on top of it all, dinner sucked. The salad was good. Our other choices were squishy California mixed vegetables, instant mashed potatoes, very fatty ribs and half cooked chicken. Yummy. We sat at a round table for 8, so others got to experience some of the joy that is Squiggy. He took only a huge plate full of mashed potatoes, and spent dinner playing with it - molding it into a castle using the water glasses and bread sticks. They took our scorecards, and then had people go up and chose from a table of prizes bases on their scores. Squiggy went up and helped himself to as much as he could carry. The guy in charge had to come to our table and extract items to put back. Once again, Lenny was completely ineffective.

D and I left as soon as we could. On the whole, I wouldn't mind trying it again - with left-handed clubs and without children. On the way home, D said she had no idea how I didn't do damage to Squiggy. I'm not sure either.

Positives:
* The drive to the course was fun and scenic.
* I had fun with Laverne.
* I really liked zipping around in the golf cart.
* It was a BEAUTIFUL day and I was happy to be out in it.
* Golfing, if you have good company, the proper equipment and some clue what the hell you're doing, may not entirely suck.

Not So Positives:
* We'll probably have to find a new course next year, 'cause the owner did NOT look happy with us. Turns out their insurance doesn't allow for children driving the carts, which he told Lenny and Lenny ignored.
* I've learned that good friends can be pretty crappy parents.
* I've learned that the same good friends can evidently be completely oblivious to their offspring's unpopularity. At one point during the day, I looked at Lenny and said "Next year, the kid stays home." Yes, exactly like that. During the course of the day, Lenny tried to get either Laverne or I to switch with him in the cart "because Squiggy's driving was so bad." Evidently the whole concept of not letting your child drive is foreign.

The Next Day:
Lenny and I IM (instant message) back and forth throughout the day. When I came in on Monday, I wondered if Lenny would be talking to me, based on how I treated his child the day before. I logged on and almost immediately got a message from him thanking me for my patience with his son's behavior.

Here's the really weird thing:
I can't decide if Lenny is really that clueless or if he's hoping that I'll take his children in hand. He said something at one point about how he felt his son would be a good helper for me. I replied back with "Only if you want to see him hurt. I demand obedience from my minions, and I'm willing to beat them until I get it." He said he was fine with whatever methods I decided to employ. Then he said something about how next year, he and Laverne would share a cart and Squiggy and I could duke it out. I responded with "Not bloody likely."

Oh The Irony:
Also the next day, Lenny was complaining about how his back hurt. He whined for quite a while about it. I thought it was from the swinging, since he didn't golf that frequently. Nope. It was from Squiggy driving. Apparently they were playing a game where Squiggy would slow down and drive past a ball and Lenny would lean out of the cart and grab it on the fly. Except that Squiggy would wait for Lenny to lean out and then would slam on the brakes - and he kept doing it throughout the day. This is why Lenny's back hurt. Okay, maybe this is just me, but if you have back trouble anyway and your kid pulled something like this, how would you react? Continue to allow it to happen? Beat the brat senseless right then and there? Take the wheel of the golf cart and wait 'till you got home to pound on 'em? Probably most parents would go with something like option three. Option two looks best to me. Lenny chose option one.

Sometimes I ask for others' viewpoints before I say anything because I frequently do not look at things the same way as others. This time, however, I've had nearly everyone that was there tell me that they have no idea how I put up with Squiggy for the day.

Aww well, live and learn. Next year, I shall have left handed clubs and I shall pick my foursome more carefully!

My Morning Schedule

CMHL posted her take on "Rawhide" the other day, along with her typical morning routine. In the interests of not posting anything too huge in her comments, I thought I'd share this morning's schedule as it was fairly typical.

Foreword...
I may have mentioned a time or two that I am nocturnal by nature. I don't willingly do mornings. My coffee mug at works says "A morning without coffee is like sleep." and I mean every word of it.

Something else, I sleep like the dead. I fall asleep almost before I make it under the covers and I don't move again without 10 or so alarm clocks buzzing, ringing and squawking in and around my ears. I can sleep just about anywhere, and through just about anything. Once when I was young, my father attempted to pry me out of bed by picking up one side of the mattress and flipping me onto the floor. It didn't wake me up. My brother and my mom are the same way.

One side effect of this is that I do not wake up well. None of my blood has been moving for several hours, and things just don't work. I usually fall at least once, 'cause I essentially have to relearn how to stand and walk. My voice is a rusty croak, I can't see, I have no cognitive abilities - actually, you won't see a better shambling zombie impression anywhere. Well, anywhere outside my family.

I have learned to cope as much as possible. My morning routine begins the night before. I pack a lunch and leave it in the fridge, set up the coffeepot so it'll have the elixir waiting for me, set up the coffee mug - 1 teaspoon of sugar and some milk in a mug and leave it in the fridge in its spot, put my badge (electronic, to get in the door at work) and my house keys in my purse, gather everything that needs to go to work and pile it by the door, set out whatever I'm wearing the next day including jewelry and shoes, and ensure all alarms are set properly and ready to go. If there's anything special that I need to remember, I write myself a note on the mirror in dry erase marker, and leave a post-it on the door at eye level. I shower and wash my hair every night. (This is partly 'cause my hair eats dryers and this way it can air dry overnight.) Once I've done everything possible the night before, I snuggle into unconsciousness.

So this morning...
I know the alarms started blaring when the clocks read 6:30. (Actual time: somewhere around 5:45 - I change it regularly to keep myself off-balance) I started smacking snooze buttons between 5 and 10 minutes after that. When the clocks read 7:15, I crawled out of bed, and flipped the covers back up. (That's all that is necessary to make the bed. I really don't move at night.) Stumbled to the bathroom for the morning absolutions, fell over the kitten on the way. From the bathroom, headed to the kitchen (whacked into recliner, the coffee table and only one wall this morning), retrieved my mug from the fridge and poured the first cup. Sucked that one down, took the refilled mug (black this time) to the bedroom and got dressed. Grabbed the cell phone and the blackberry and left the bedroom, shutting off the light on the way. Back to the kitchen to put cell phone in purse and refill coffee mug. Back to the bathroom to brush teeth, fight with hair and take vitamins. Yum, coffee, multi-vitamin and calcium tablets - the breakfast of champions. Turned off light, back to kitchen to change cat water and refill food bowl and chug last mug of coffee. This morning was my turn to drive, so I gathered up my stuff and was out the door by 7:15.

From there, I picked up my friend and headed for work. In the building by 7:50, clip on the badge, hit the power button on the 'puter and head for the coffee pot with my carafe for pot #2.

Afterword...
Once I'm done in a room, I turn the light off. Otherwise I will, at some point, wander back in there and then just stand in the middle of the room, trying to figure out why I'm there.

I use Oberweiss milk, which comes in glass containers. I am not coordinated enough in the morning to handle the bottle without dropping it, which is why the mug is prepared the night before. Also, that keeps me from putting the coffee pot in the fridge and trying to stuff the bottle under the coffee drip. (Yes, I have done this before. More than once. If you expose a cold milk bottle to a hot burner enough times, you too can experience the nearly explosive cracking force from the temperature extremes.)

This morning was uneventful. Some mornings are worse than others.

My father works nights, so he was just getting ready to go bed when my brother and I were living at home and starting our days. He used to be very entertained watching us bumble around. We have actually ran smack dab into each other, and then both fallen. *sigh* At least I'm not alone!

Things I've Done, Part 3 (questions 101-150)

Finally finished! Whew.

So, part one can be found here.
Part two can be found here.

Total for all 150 questions:
Yes: 34 + 23 + 23 = 80
Half-credit: 5 + 4 + 3 = 12
No: 11 + 23 + 24 = 58

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Total count for the third part:
Yes: 23
Half-credit: 3
No: 24

Abstract:
Yes: 102, 104, 109-111, 116, 118, 120, 122, 125, 127-130, 133-136, 138, 140, 144, 145
Half-credit: 108, 114, 146
No: 101, 103, 105-107, 112, 113, 115, 117, 119, 121, 123, 124, 126, 131, 132, 137, 139, 142, 143, 147-150

101 - Walked The Golden Gate Bridge. I haven't spent any time in SanFranciscoo. My cousin is getting married there next spring, so this will hopefully change.

102 - Sang loudly in the car and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking. Certainly. Haven't you?

103 - Had plastic surgery. Nope.

104 - Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived. More than one of them, actually.

105 - Wrote articles for a large publication. Nope.
106 - Lost over 100 pounds. Nope.
107 - Held someone while they were having a flashback. Nope.

108 - Piloted an airplane. I'm going to say half credit here, 'cause I dated a guy once who ran a charter service with his dad. I've never taken off, but I've flown, and even landed once.

109 - Petted a stingray. Pre-Katrina Aquarium of the Americas in New Orleans had an area where you could pat little ones. Scratchy.

110 - Broken someone's heart. I didn't mean to.

111 - Helped an animal give birth. If by help, you mean stand there, ready to speed dial the vet.

112 - Won money on a TV game show. Nope.

113 - Broken a bone. Nope. I bounce - at least so far.

114 - Gone on an African photo safari. See #5. I have gone to The Wilds, near Cambridge, Ohio so, I'll say half credit here 'cause I went on an African ANIMAL photo safari, even if I was in Ohio.

115 - Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced. Not intentionally. I did staple my thumbs together once though. Man, that hurt!

116 - Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol. Of course. My father taught me early and well.

117 - Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild. Yuck. Fungus.

118 - Ridden a horse. I grew up with them, and ride every chance I get.

119 - Had major surgery. Nope, thankfully. My closest (and only) was the extraction of my wisdom teeth this spring.

120 - Had a snake as a pet. Once, on vacation, we found 2 black racer snakes in our cabin. The ranger wouldn't touch the margarine container once he knew what was in it, so we took them home. We had them for a couple of years. They were neat.

121 - Hiked to the bottom of The Grand Canyon.

122 - Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours. My personal record was right after I graduated from college. That semester ranks as the 16 worst weeks of my life - working 30+ hours a week, taking 21 credit hours of engineering classes and running two households while my grandmother and my mother were out of commission. I fell into bed after the graduation ceremony and woke up 36 hours later.

123 - Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States. See # 5.

124 - Visited all 7 continents. See #5.

125 - Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than two days. Yup - in high school a bunch of us went. It was a lot of fun and I wouldn't mind doing it again.

126 - Eaten kangaroo meat. No. I'm not really interested in it either.

127 - Eaten sushi. Tried it. Yuck.

128 - Had your picture in the newspaper. I was quite the nerd in high school, and routinely got my picture in the paper for awards for writing and science and such.

129 - Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about. You do not want to get me started on the state of civil liberties in our current, so-called "free" society.

130 - Gone back to school. I went to college directly out of high school, was there for 2 years and quit. Two years later, I went back and finished my degree.

131 - Parasailed. Not yet, but I want to - it looks like SO much fun!

132 - Petted a cockroach. I've sucked a couple up in vacuum cleaners, and squashed a couple, but never have I petted one. Why in God's name would you?!? *shudder*

133 - Eaten fried green tomatoes. I didn't really care for them.

134 - Read The Iliad And The Odyssey. Turns out Miss Gradwell and Mrs. Berry knew what they were doing.

135 - Selected an important author who you missed in school and read something they wrote. I managed to miss "Les Miserables" during school.

136 - Killed and prepared an animal for eating. Only if you count fish as animals. I'm too squeamish about my little forest friends to hurt them. I didn't kill the chicken, but I did prepare and cook one - starting with the plucking. I didn't eat it though. I was too grossed out by the whole process of preparation.

137 - Skipped all your school reunions. Nope. I went to my ten year, and will probably go to my fifteen year.

138 - Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language. Sure, especially if you count critters.

139 - Been elected to public office.

140 - Written your own computer language. Fortran sucks, but I've done it.

141 - Somehow or another, this one got lost in the shuffle, so I'm making up my own question. Have you ever consumed more than 5 pots of coffee in a day? Yes. During that last hell semester of college, I was subsisting on two hours or so of sleep a night and between eight and ten pots of coffee during the day. I don't recommend it.

142 - Had to put someone you love into hospice care. Not yet. The day is coming, however.

143 - Built your own PC from parts. No. I'm kind of surprised at myself. Maybe that's what I'll do this weekend.

144 - Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you. Actually this one and the next are rather closely tied together as I sold some of my paintings at a street fair.

145 - Had a booth at a street fair. Yup. See above.

146 - Dyed your hair. I'm going to say half credit here. I've dyed it for Halloween with that washout stuff and once it was inadvertently turned grass green by pool chemicals.

147 - Been a DJ. Nope.

148 - Shaved your head. No, but it felt like it when I got sick of my hair in high school and chopped off several feet.

149 - Caused a car accident. Not that I know of.

150 - Saved someone's life. Not that I know of.

Things I've Done, Part 2 (questions 51-100)

Wow, this is taking me forever. Who put this thing together anyway?

See here for Part 1.

Total Count for the second part:
Yes: 23
1/2 credit: 4
No: 23

Abstract:
Yes: 53, 55-59, 62-65, 69, 70, 73, 74, 77, 80, 83, 84, 87-89, 98, 100
1/2 credit: 67, 76, 85, 86
No: 51, 52, 54, 60, 61, 66, 68, 71, 72, 75, 78, 79, 81, 82, 90-97, 99

51 - Visited Ireland. See #5

52 - Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love. Nope. I'm fairly shallow.

53 - In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them. Hibachi Japan in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio is VERY tasty if you're ever in the neighborhood. They've got a great plum wine, and you sit at tables of 8. If you don't have 8 in your party, you meet new people over dinner.

54 - Visited Japan. See #5

55 - Milked a cow. See #32 - that whole rural thing. I've been cow tipping too.

56 - Alphabetized your CDs. Umm. Doesn't everyone? How do you find anything if you haven't.

57 - Pretended to be a superhero. Sure. Not lately, but as a kid, I frequently pinned a towel around my neck for a cape and went swooping around the house.

58 - Sung karaoke. Dogs cried. Trust me, you're better off not personally witnessing this.

59 - Lounged around in bed all day. I don't think *lounged* per se is the right word, but sleeping all day is a typical weekend activity for me.

60 - Posed nude in front of strangers. Oh, hell no.

61 - Gone scuba diving. *sigh* I ended up an engineer at least partly because in high school I signed up for a summer camp to become certified in scuba. I didn't get into the scuba camp but the same university also had an engineering camp and they put me in that. At the camp, I came to realize that the scuba camp was bait and everyone in the engineering camp applied for the scuba one. Flash forward several years, and everyone I kept in touch with majored in... engineering. AND, not one of us ever managed a scuba certification.

62 - Kissed in the rain. Of course. If you haven't, I'm sorry.

63 - Played in the mud. Certainly. I like to feel it squishing between my toes, and I make a mean mud pie.

64 - Played in the rain. In high school physics, we proved (somehow or another) that you get wetter running through the rain than you would just walking through it. Assuming I'm not going to spend a lot of time afterwards in wet denim, I'd rather stomp in puddles and play.

65 - Gone to a drive-in theater. There used to be a theatre in Akron, Ohio called the Gala. My friends and I regularly went - there was a futon mattress in the back of my pickup for years 'cause we'd take the cap off and lounge in the bed with a cooler and watch the double features. The most fun was probably the "Anaconda"/"Relic" double-feature. Yay creature movies!

66 - Visited The Great Wall Of China. See #5

67 - Started a business. I'll say half credit here, 'cause I'm not sure lemonade stands at age 7 count. Although, I occasionally have enough done to have a booth at a craft show.

68 - Fallen in love and not had your heart broken. Hearts break all the time, at least a little.

69 - Toured ancient sites. Many as I've wandered the highways and byways of our very interesting country. One of the coolest: the serpent mound in Adams County, Ohio. It's a very spiritual place. If you're ever in the neighborhood, check it out here.

70 - Taken a martial arts class. I've taken several. I actually need to start back up - I enjoyed it thoroughly.

71 - Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight. I've never understood that game.

72 - Gotten married. Nope. Never even got close. I fully expect to be the crazy old lady with a million cats. Maybe you'll see me on the news one day.

73 - Been in a movie. "In" a movie might be an exaggeration. I was an inadvertent extra several times, and a couple friends are amateur filmmakers. I've been in their movies - usually I end up getting killed off in some improbable fashion.

74 - Crashed a party. Just a couple of weeks ago, my friend and her sister had a house warming. They gave directions to their cluster of townhouses and said to follow the balloons. I did that and ended up sitting in a garage full of people I'd never seen before. I just figured them for my friend's sister's friends. Gradually it occurred to me that I was the only white person there and they were all looking at me weirdly. Turns out, I took a wrong turn and ended up in the wrong cluster - at someone's family reunion. Whoops. I should have eaten there - whatever they were cooking smelled fantastic and I ended up eating cold pizza and burnt sloppy joes.

75 - Gotten divorced. My parents are still my parents and otherwise, you need to get married to get divorced.

76 - Gone without food for 5 days. We'll say half credit here, 'cause I had a nasty, horrible bout with the stomach flu once that lasted nearly 2 weeks. I couldn't keep water down. It was awful.

77 - Made cookies from scratch. *blink* Of course. Any other way doesn't really count. I feel this was about all baking and most cooking. If you use a store-bought pie crust, it doesn't count as baking either. (Yes, I'm a baking and a cooking snob.)

78 - Won first prize in a costume contest. No, but if you're ever in Kent, Ohio around Halloween, you should really go and check out their costumes. Kent has a very good fashion design program and Halloween costumes were part of one of the classes.

79 - Ridden a gondola in Venice. See #5.

80 - Gotten a tattoo. So far, just one but they really are like potato chips. I hadn't even healed from it before I was contemplating what to do next.

81 - Rafted The Snake River. Several others, but not that one. Not yet anyway.

82 - Been on a television news program as an expert. And not likely to be, ever.

83 - Got flowers for no reason. My friend and I exchange flowers for no reason at random points throughout the year. It perks both of us up.

84 - Performed on stage. Not particularly well, and not since high school.

85 - Been to Las Vegas. Half credit here - I've spent several hours in the airport on layovers.

86 - Recorded music. Nothing I've ever personally produced could ever even be called lyrical. I've taped music off of the radio and made my own cd collections. Does that count? We'll say half credit here.

87 - Eaten shark. I tried it. Yuck.

88 - Eaten fugu (pufferfish). Same as above.

89 - Had a one-night stand. *sigh* I went through a period where my ability to make intelligent decisions took a powder. It's okay, I'm mostly over it.

90 - Gone to Thailand. See #5

91 - Bought a house. Not yet. Once day, hopefully.

92 - Been in a combat zone. I'm assuming you mean a real one, and not my friend's marriage.

93 - Buried one/both of your parents. I can't even contemplate it.

94 - Been on a cruise ship. Nope. Maybe one day.

95 - Spoken more than one language fluently. Are you kidding? I'm usually incoherent in English. I am attempting to learn Spanish though. And if I manage that, I did promise my grandmother to learn German - the native tongue, if you will.

96 - Performed in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I've never ever seen the whole show in a theatre.

97 - Raised children. I spent several months as a nanny. It was hell, and completely reinforced my decision to never breed.

98 - Followed your favorite band/singer on tour. Not for the entire tour, but for several cities.

99 - Taken a bicycle tour in a foreign country. See #5.

100 - Picked up and moved to another city just to start over. At 21, I took a wild hair and moved to Southern California for several months. At 30, I moved several hundred miles away for a new job. Very traumatic.

Avast, Me Mateys!

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring you...

TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY!!!

And no, I'm not making this up. Someone else did. So there.
http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html

An Update:

I went into full-blown Martha Stewart mode for this. (I do this occasionally. It's okay, so far I've always come back from it unscathed.)

So, I put together goody bags for my friends, since we went out to celebrate. I got plain black gift bags and decorated them with pirate stickers. Then I filled the bags with eye patches, goofy paper hats, chocolate "coins," plastic pieces of eight, bags of gold gum, pirates of the Caribbean puzzles and some other random pirate booty. As a centerpiece for our table I made a chocolate treasure chest from a mold I got at the Wilton Tent Sale and filled it with gobstoppers and Hershey's huggables. (Yes, I've been planning this for a while.)

We had a good time, the goody bags went over very well, but the highlight of the evening was the package of temporary tattoos that I picked up on a whim. We all put one on, although mine is the only one even remotely visible - I put a three masted schooner on my inside left wrist. (It still looks really cool - these things are more durable than I thought they'd be.) The other two ladies put theirs up high on their arms. The guys put theirs on a - his chest, b & c - their shoulders, in the back. It was quite entertaining to watch the contortions as they struggled to reach under layers of clothes and remain in their seats.

I have to say, however, that I did a much better job of being a pirate than they did. After I returned home, I changed into jeans and ventured out for plundering - AMNESTY DAY has once again arrived. YAY! It's like a village-wide garage sale, but everything is free!

It's probably fairly sad that I have SO much fun rooting around in other people's trash. But, man, I got some cool stuff!

* I found a really neat Keystone beer sign that will look great in my brother's basement, near the pool table and the dart board. It looks like a giant can of beer and it lights up.

* A complete, working Nintendo 64 system with extra controllers and a couple of games plus the Tomb Raider Gold game CDs

* A working HP fax machine

* A like-new, very nice, Lexmark printer - complete with a bunch of extra ink cartridges

* A storage container of someone's fabric remnants, including a wonderful selection of colored felt and some really nifty Christmas fabric (I quilt, so this makes me very happy.)

* A weekender-sized rolling luggage - the only good rolling luggage I have is HUGE and I've been meaning to buy something I can carry on

* Another alarm clock - I just murdered another one and was down to 7 so this is very welcome

* Other assorted cool things such as a Pouges CD, a nifty mirror, a paperback copy of "The Odyssey," a medical reference book, a like-new mini food processor, a plastic "briefcase" that will be a very cool travel case for some of my stitchery, some interesting cotton wadding - quite a bit of my score came from outside a dentist's office - including an unopened whitening kit although I may be too chicken to use that.

But, the best, the coolest score of the night was the garden stuff. Ooh, I'm so happy! Background - my mom's got this planter. It's black metal and about five feet tall and it looks kinda like a spiral staircase. There's a basket on top, and then 'steps' or shelves as it curls around a central post. Anyway, it's REALLY cool looking and I've made several attempts to steal it over the years. She's thwarted me every time - it's one of her favorites too. In the summer, it sits outside near the side of the house, and the flowers cascade around and down in a river of purple. It's beautiful! Guess what?!? I found one! I'll have to check more carefully, but it may be identical - it's very close. So now I have my own! Yay! Definitely was the high point of my evening! But, I also found a long tray planter at one place, a trellis at another, and chicken wire at yet another so next year, my morning glories will have room to spread out and flourish. Once I got it home, I realized that the tray planter had stuff in it - a hose nozzle and this really neat rake thing. (I described it to Mom and she LOVES hers - says it's great for breaking up clumps, and the gods know, with my clay I've got LOTS of clumps to contend with.) I also took the statue/bird feeder/outside dust collector of a bunny under an open flower. Quite cute. And I found a metal tripod thingie that I think I can make work as a tomato cage next year. So, I'm good for the garden stuff.

As with the last Amnesty Day, I started out "just going for a walk" to the library... with a flashlight. And I just kinda glanced around while I was walking. Then I really got into it and started rooting around. (I was going to link to my adventures last time and then I realized that I haven't finished it and it's languishing in edit. Oops.) And, unlike MM's looters, I'm so compulsive that I leave the trash more together and organized than when I found it. Actually, what really bothers me is the waste. As much as I enjoy scavenging, I'm somewhat appalled by the stuff that just gets thrown away. I won't go all philosophical about how much we take for granted living in a land of plenty, as least not right now, but it really bugs me. So, once again, I collected an entire Jeep load of stuff that I dropped off at Goodwill. You know, there are organizations that will come to your house and pick stuff up. They're happy to do it. There's really no need to toss entire leaf bags of clothes with the tags still attached, boxes of kitchen wares, working appliances, sporting equipment, etc in the trash. *sigh* Of course, if they didn't put that stuff and more out, I wouldn't get to play in it.

Well, at any rate, Happy Talk (and maybe Act) Like A Pirate Day!!

Things I've Done, Part 1 (questions 1-50)

Total count for first 50:
Yes: 34
1/2 Credit: 5
No: 11

Abstract:
Yes: 1, 6-10, 12-14, 15, 17, 19, 20, 22-27, 29-34, 37-39, 41-43, 45, 47, 49
1/2: 3, 4, 28, 44, 48
No: 2, 5, 11, 16, 18, 21, 35, 36, 40, 46, 50


1 - Bought everyone in the bar a drink. Fortunately, the place was almost empty, so it wasn’t as painful as it could have been.

2 - Swam with wild dolphins. No, but it sure sounds cool.

3 - Climbed a mountain. But really, does it count if you don’t *need* special equipment? I’ve scaled several but they were all friendly – I haven’t ever used rappelling gear and such. We’ll say half credit here.

4 - Taken a Ferrari for a test drive. I’m going to say half credit here as well, ‘cause I had a Viper for a weekend, and I’ve driven a Lamborgini (AND I didn’t stall it!).

5 - Been inside The Great Pyramid. The only other countries I’ve been to are Canada and Mexico.

6 - Held a tarantula. It tickled as it walked around on me. They’re quite fuzzy, you know.

7 - Taken a candlelit bath with someone. Until the hives appeared, he didn’t believe that I was indeed allergic to bubble bath. That relationship didn’t last much longer than the bubbles.

8 - Said "I love you" and meant it. To family, friends, pets, all manner of creatures great and small.

9 - Hugged a tree. Some of my best friends are trees.

10 - Bungee jumped. From a railroad bridge in Pennsylvania. I didn’t really think about the whole getting back down part until it was really too late. Then I went and did it again, once I got the hang (so to speak) of unclipping myself and falling into the water.

11 - Visited Paris. See #5 I’ve been to Paris, Ohio. Does that count?

12 - Watched a lightning storm at sea. Sitting on the beach in Southern California, watching it approach over the Pacific. One of the coolest things I’ve ever seen.

13 - Stayed up all night long and saw the sunrise. I am a nocturnal creature. In my happy place, I go to bed as the sun’s coming up. Too bad my job doesn’t agree with that.

14 - Seen The Northern Lights. Sometimes, they are visible in the lower 48. Once, while flying to Seattle, I saw them from the air and that was REALLY neat.

15 - Gone to a huge sports game. How do you classify huge? Professional? Yup – baseball, football (zzzz), soccer, hockey, NASCAR. A couple of them were capacity crowds.

16 - Walked the stairs to the top of The Leaning Tower Of Pisa. See #5.

17 - Grown and eaten your own vegetables. Yum. Tomatoes, corn, peas, green peppers, squash, watermelon, musk melon, apples, cherries, plums, pears, etc. You’ll never find the same quality in the store.

18 - Touched an iceberg. There aren’t many of them lurking around Ohio. Or Chicago, for that matter.

19 - Slept under the stars. Frequently. Sometimes, I even meant to, instead of just falling asleep on the pool furniture.

20 - Changed a baby's diaper. Yuck. One reason I have no desire to produce any of those things on my own.

21 - Taken a trip in a hot air balloon. I came close several times – they fly (float?) over my parents’ house all the time.

22 - Watched a meteor shower. Several times. The best was inadvertent. I was VERY lost somewhere in Texas, or possibly New Mexico and there wasn’t a light to be seen for miles – except for the stars, and the meteors. Very cool experience. Never did figure out where the hell I was.

23 - Gotten drunk on champagne. Mimosas with some of my best girlfriends. Yummy and a wonderful time. The right friends can make even hangovers kinda fun.

24 - Given more than you can afford to charity. Every penny I gave while in college was really more than I could afford.

25 - Looked up at the night sky through a telescope. One of dad’s friends had one. We went to their house to see a meteor shower once when I was a kid.

26 - Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment. I tend to get the giggles when I’m scared stiff. Either that, or I get really p*ssed off. In this case, I was delivering a eulogy in front of several hundred people that I didn’t know, was struck by how my dead friend would have reacted to me in this situation and just lost it. *sigh* That impressed the hell out of ‘em.

27 - Had a food fight. A couple in the school cafeteria growing up, and every year, a friend’s family had a huge tomato fight in their garden with all of the extra, rotten tomatoes. It was tons of fun.

28 - Bet on a winning horse. Half credit here, ‘cause it was not an official race, and I was riding the winning horse.

29 - Asked out a stranger. Yeah, and for all my blather about equality, I’m glad I’m not a boy. It was terrifying.

30 - Had a snowball fight. Please, I grew up in the snow belt. What the hell else are we going to do for 8 months out of the year?

31 - Screamed as loudly as you possibly could. One Halloween, for reasons that currently escape me, we had a contest. I think I popped my own eardrums.

32 - Held a lamb. I grew up rural. I’ve held all sorts of baby farm animals.

33 - Seen a total eclipse. In primary school, I can remember the teachers all herding us out into the driveway. They’d made puddles in the parking lot, and we watched it in the puddles and they yelled at anyone who looked up at the sun.

34 - Ridden a roller coaster. I LOVE roller coasters! We used to go to Cedar Point and Geauga Lake every summer.

35 - Hit a home run. Not very athletic. I’ve BEEN hit by home runs. It hurt.

36 - Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking. Too self-conscious for that sort of thing.

37 - Adopted an accent for an entire day. It was a dare from an Australian friend. Way harder than you’d think.

38 - Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment. I was drunk, but who cares. It was a great 60 or so seconds.

39 - Had two hard drives for your computer. Is that bad? Cut me some slack, I’m an engineer – I’ve installed more than that in my computer.

40 - Visited all 50 states. Not yet. I’m working on it.

41 - Taken care of someone who was wasted. Routinely. We take turns.

42 - Had amazing friends. All friends are amazing. Anyone who can put up with me for any length of time is astonishing.

43 - Danced with a stranger in a foreign country. In Canada. In a casino. I was wearing a fabulous dress too. Sometimes off the wall bachlorette parties are really cool!

44 - Watched wild whales. I’m going to say half credit here, ‘cause while visiting my aunt in Seattle, I spent several minutes starting at glimmery things that she still swears were orcas. All I saw were waves, but it coulda been whales.

45 - Stolen a sign. Many of them, of all sorts. I’m currently eye-balling a sign for a retirement home that’s an old people crossing sign. One of the people is hunched over with a cane, and the other one is either helping them along, or about to push them over. Either way, it’s really funny.

46 - Backpacked in Europe. See #5

47 - Taken a road trip. Too many to count. The biggest ones were to and from my little adventure in California. (That’s when I got so lost in Texas. Or New Mexico.)

48 - Gone rock climbing. See #3. I’ve clambered around on all sorts of rocks, but never with any more gear than a rope and a prayer. Oh, and once, a stick. I really thought I was going to die that time.

49 - Midnight walk on the beach. As previously mentioned, I’m nocturnal. And I spent several months living in Southern California. I’ve actually walked along beaches on both sides of the country at midnight. I enjoy it, and I really miss having an ocean next door (stupid land-locked states).

50 - Gone skydiving. Not yet. It’s on the list, right next to hang-gliding, of things to do before I die. Hopefully I’ll live to check it off and move on.

Huh, Weird.

Alright, well, over here in real life, the end of our fiscal year is approaching and I'm freaking out trying to cram all the crap in that I've neglected for the past several months. Eek!

More fun, I'm working on that freaking HUGE list of things that I've done. I don't remember now who I stole it from. Could be Stu, Suldog, or a couple of others. It's REALLY long though, and taking me longer than I thought. I think I'm going to have to break it into several posts - it's too long even for one of my epic novels.

Here's where the weird part comes in. My profile view thingie jumped from 74 to 97 over the weekend. It was 74 for months, after a jump from 53. Before that, it was 32. Are these the most random number ever or what?? How in the bejeezus do they figure this stuff?

More weirdness, from my truly crappy weekend: why would someone who is smart, drop dead gorgeous, sweet (and, incidentally, one of my best friends) return to the loser asshole who introduced her to the wonders of physical and emotional abuse? She called me this weekend to ask me to call the police department in her town and tell them that I had either lied or was mistaken in the Aft of David that I submitted to them via a lawyer's office over a year ago. This was after she had fled the state, and her soon-to-be-ex husband, after he walked through a restraining order and hurt her again. She arrived at the airport black and blue and barely able to walk. I refused to do any such thing, which lead to a lovely little screaming match. After she hung up on me, I called her parents and demanded to know what the f*ck was going on. This was the first that her father had heard that she had taken the scumball back. Shortly thereafter, she called back to call me an interfering bitch for ratting her out to her folks. To which I replied that she was 35 years old and it should be a clue that she was sneaking around behind her family's back at this point in her life. How can she be so stupid??

Gah. I'm going to go soak my head. Maybe this will make more sense then.

Well, Now What The Hell Do I Do?

So, I'm back in the office. Yay. I went home for Labor Day, and while I was there, I interviewed for a job.

I'm a bit leery - the HR person told a completely different story that the quality manager which differed from the story told by the operations manager. I had to wait for almost 45 minutes for them since a meeting was running over. They still haven't defined the job, or gotten approval for the req. It will be a minimum of 3 weeks before I hear anything, either way. Their systems are in even worse shape that the ones I deal with now and I'm not sure about the culture of the company. In addition, I've learned that when you work for this company, you essentially sell your soul to the company store - they own you. If I am offered this job, and take it, I will be taking the job almost solely to get back home. Then I learned that they have the option of moving you every two years - and they usually do. So, if I take the job to get home (assuming one is offered), I could be in a worse place in two years when/if they ship me even further away than I am now. And, given Ohio's economy, I can't really count on finding something else to replace the job and stay in the area. This requires deliberation. Part of it is that I'm really good at talking myself out of things. I don't like change, I prefer my own comfy little rut, thank you very much. Even for things that are good for me, I am more than capable of dissuading myself from nearly anything that requires a change in the status quo. So am I really that worried about this new opportunity or am I just being my typical cowardly self?

And, lately I've had to face something fairly unpleasant for me to deal with: that my life has, without my knowledge or approval, shifted from there to here. It seems obvious that it would, now that I'm trying to be clear-headed about it - I mean, I'm here so of course my life would be. But... it wasn't supposed to happen like this. My life was there - my friends, my family, nearly all that was most important to me. I had nothing here to hold me, and I've spent the last three years essentially counting the days until I could go home.

Recently though, I've come to the realization that things have changed. I've essentially lost contact with the circle of college friends that meant so much to me when I lived there. I was in their weddings, threw their baby showers, helped them move - all the things you do with people who are friends, that you think will always be friends. We've been reduced to me emailing them to say I'll be in town, and an emailed response that they'll be on vacation and will hopefully catch me next time. The part that really makes me sad is that I'm not particularly upset by this. When I do visit them, it feels more like I'm there 'cause I think I should be instead of because I want to spend time with them. I do still have friends there, very close ones, and some family - but my brother moved three hours closer to here (so it only takes me five or so hours to get to his house, and eight or nine to get home). My best friend's parents just sold their homestead and moved to Nashville to be near their grandchildren. Everything that felt so important just seems to be sifting through my fingers like sand.

At the same time, I've begun to realize how important the people here have become to me. I have a circle of friends here now. The last several weekends in a row have been booked solid - and my calendar is filling up for the rest of the month. We started out having lunch together in the cafeteria. Then we'd catch the occasional beer after work. Now, I know their families, I've been to their homes, we have a shared history. We even catch crap from others at work 'cause we're "clique-y." When the hell did that happen?!? I realized all of this just recently when I was offered a job in this area. One of the reasons that I turned it down (aside from deciding that they were minions of evil, and I'd be consigning myself to purgatory to work there) was that I wasn't ready to leave here. Not because of the job itself - that is also hellish - but because of the people.

Adding to my confusion is that I'm actually *gasp* contemplating dipping my toes back into the dating pool - for the first time in nearly 11 years. I'm still about half convinced that I'd rather just be the crazy old lady with a million cats. What am I thinking?!? My ex called last week, and we talked for an hour or so - for the first time since January - and here's the weird thing: I felt nothing. We were together for ten years. At one point, I thought he would be The One. And all I felt was a mild pity for his situation.

I don't, as a general rule, view my workplace as a happy hunting ground the way so many of my coworkers seem to, but there is a guy here. Something may be developing. I haven't felt this rush of possibilities in a long time. You know that sensation, the uncertainty - it's kinda like growing some exotic plant from a seed. The seed has germinated - there's that cute little baby sprout. Now, do I nuture it along or decide that's not the variety I was after and let it wither? *sigh*

So, what the hell do I do now? Stay here at this company? In this role or try for another one that interests me? Stay in this area but move to a different company? Nuture the seed? Or continue to try to get home and pick up my life there where I left it? Can I? Do I want to? Gah.

Technology Rocks. Sometimes.

Thank you, Rurality! You were right about how to move the blogroller over to the side. I even figured out how to add and edit stuff on the Blogroll. It wasn't nearly as hard as I was anticipating.

Now I just need to learn enough html to fool with the font until I'm happy with it. (Isn't it sad that the only html I know is from neopets??)

I'm feeling technologically gifted today. Yay!

My Aura and Other Stolen Things

From Danger Mouse and Stu, five weird things about myself:

1) My hearing is so acute that I can hear lasers. I can walk into your house and tell you whether or not your TV is on, and the daily hum of the fluorescent lights nearly drives me insane. I carry earplugs with me everywhere I go.

2) Like Danger Mouse, I am totally compulsive about peeling things, any things I can get my fingernails into. From one little flip of wallpaper, I can denude the wall in a couple of hours, without really being conscious of what I'm doing.

3) I am a very picky eater, although I am not allergic to anything foodwise. I do not eat things that live in water, fungus, organs, baby animals or any other animal I've ever considered a friend. I am not, however, a vegetatarian. I consider cows to be dinner and a coat on the hoof.

4) I have a magnetic personality. No, really. I cannot keep credit cards anywhere near me or they are rendered useless. I replace watch batteries several times a year, and I nearly always set off airport security. The wand beeps at all of my joints and about half way up my shins. Electronic devices do not like me and I have more computer malfunctions that anyone else I know - I have my own file of odd computer errors in our IT department, and they use me to beta test everything new.

5) I have no sense of direction. None. I got lost here in the building where I've worked for three years just last week. I went down a different staircase, and nothing looked familiar and for an instant, I had no idea where to go. My family says that I subscribe to the daylight school of navigation - east in the morning, west in the evening and at noon I circle helplessly.

This is fun. I think I'll do more than five.

6) I have a hard time with right and left. Before telling people which way to turn, I make 'L's with my index fingers and thumbs. Occasionally, I can't remember which way the L is supposed to go. I used to wear a ring on my left hand to remind me which one was the left one.

7) I am like a cat with closed doors - I'm always on the wrong side of them. I always sit with my back to a wall in restaurants, and I always know where all the exits are. Any building that I spend any time in at all, I will explore in detail at some point during my time there, usually in the middle of the night when I don't have to try to explain myself. (This makes my getting lost in the building even more embarrassing.)

8) I do not like people walking behind me, and I prefer not to be touched casually. Touchy feely people creep me out. My friends torture me by chasing me around and trying to hug me. I rarely wear my hair down in public because everytime I do, someone attempts to pat my hair as though I were a poodle. It's all I can do not to bite them.

9) I tend to think in cartoons, and most of the people in my world remind me of either a cartoon or a muppet.

10) I don't like odd numbers. They just seem incomplete. Whenever possible, I prefer the number two.

~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~
My aura is apparently green. Bummer. I was hoping for blue - that's my favorite color. Thanks, Sharfa, for the idea. :-)

So what's yours?

Your Aura is Green

You're very driven, competitive, and even a bit jealous. However, you seek out balance in your life - and you usually achieve it! The purpose of your life: inspiring others to be better Famous greens include: Tony Robbins, Donald Trump, Martha Stewart Careers for you to try: Guru, CEO, Talk Show Host

What Color Is Your Aura?

I'm afraid that I don't really agree with this. Okay, well. I don't agree with the purpose. My purpose really is getting people to stay the hell outta my way more than them being better. I guess I am fairly driven (if that's the same as really, really stubborn). I'm competitive in that I prefer to win, but I will force myself to be a good sport about it either way. Hmm. I do have to battle back slight jealousies, or more appropriately, mild insecurities so I guess that one holds too. Sorta.

We Need You...

I will restrain myself from a full-bore rant on the state of our union today, but I will say this: I firmly believe that organizations like this one may be our only hope to remain a democratic society. Please visit
DefCon today and look around.

Okay, can't help it. Maybe a little rant...

Here's a news flash for you. The government can't protect you. Thomas Edison said, "Those who prefer security to liberty deserve neither." There is a cost to being free, and it is not rolling over when the government tells you to give up liberties to gain security. You haven't gained security, you've only lost liberty.

The cost, as far as I'm concerned, to liberty is liberty: living in a society where it is possible for another 9/11 to happen. Keeping track of the library books that you read, the places you go, the people you talk to and what you say, the things that you buy and what you do with them will not save us from this happening again. Be vigilant, be aware, don't be apathetic, take control of your life - not just in the day to day moments but also of the big pictures as well. We as a country are eroding. Last year, at the Press Awards Dinner, Bush joked about finding WMD. They showed him looking under podiums and such, saying "nope, not here," while the press laughed along with him - as our sons and daughters died. That didn't really even make the news, but some blonde slut saying she's not going to get laid for a year did. Is anyone else sensing a problem here? All I'm asking is please, for the love of the god you believe in, GET INVOLVED. Pay attention.

Maybe I'm wrong, and the majority of the country really is that small-minded and fundamentalist. Maybe Ben Franklin was right when he said that common sense wasn't. Maybe people getting involved will only mean that stem cell research stops, and women lose their reproductive rights, and we stop teaching science to our children and we build discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation into the Constitution. Maybe we as a nation aren't the people that I think we are. But I'd be easier with that than the current situation, where a few scary nutjobs are holding all the cards, so PLEASE just get involved.

Do it for the kittens, if nothing else.

Transitions.

Happy, or at least comical transition: the kitten has grown enough that if she tries REALLY hard, she can vault onto the hutch once in every 10 tries or so. This is pretty good, since the surface is about waist high. This is bad in that my poor Sophia has one fewer place to hide.

Sad, but expected transition: my parents had to put Lady down on Friday. It's actually past time. Ideally, we would have done it when I was home in April, but Dad just wasn't ready to let go. She's happier now. I hope that until we meet again, she has someone to throw sticks for her, and shovels full of snow. And, since I'm not the one washing her, I hope there's a lakeshore, with lots of dead rotting fish to roll in. That's her favorite smell in the world. And basketballs to pop, and UPS men to chase. I love you, puppy.

From the Archives...

I'm saving things I've written about elsewhere, since I'm not sure how long that forum will continue to exist.

From Wednesday, June 22, 2005: "Glued to You, Too"
I co-opted in college at a fiberglass company. One fine day I was running some tests on a couple of different adhesives (they smelled SO good) that we had gotten in. One required heat and pressure to set. The other was pretty much industrial superglue. My luck, they had mislabeled which was which. So I THOUGHT I had all kinds of time and I had this glue all over my hand and I put my hand down on the work bench and... stuck. So I tugged and pulled... still stuck. The work bench was this huge steel thing that I couldn't move at all and I threw myself backwards as hard as I could but... still stuck. So I started trying to reach the acetone that would dissolve the glue, but it was on another bench. And I stretched and pulled and threw myself in THAT direction. No dice, but that didn't stop me from exhausting myself trying to reach it.

Just about then, one of the VP's of the company comes into the lab, so I tried to assume a fairly comfortable position - one that didn't scream that I'd glued myself to a table. He walked over to me and told me that he had some paperwork that I had asked for. Not willing to admit that I'd glued myself down, I tried for nonchalance and told him that I'd be along shortly. At this point, he was starting to smirk, and he said that he had meetings and now was really better. So, I said that I'd be right along and he should go ahead. At which point he burst into laughter and said 'you've glued yourself to the table, haven't you?' while I was trying to figure out how to plausibly deny this, he holds the acetone bottle just out of reach and starts singsonging 'trying to reach this?' *sigh* That was not my best day.

From Friday, June 24, 2005: "Some Mornings Suck More Than Others"
I had to come in an hour earlier than normal this morning for a meeting. Ergle. And I just now realized that I only applied deodorant on one side this morning.

Also this morning, I tripped over the cat and sent my BlackBerry into a sink full of water. I have to say that these blackberries are much more durable that you'd think, 'cause it's still working.

But I have several new lovely bruises where I crashed into the wall tripping over the cat and then the sink trying to grab the slippery little BlackBerry.

Then I put the coffee pot into the fridge and noticed only because the milk jug wouldn't fit under the coffee filter basket. Left my car keys in the house and couldn't figure out why my house key wouldn't open the car door. AND then got stuck on the car door 'cause the strap of my bag got caught on the corner of the door. *sigh*

From Tuesday, June 28, 2005: "Historical Car Moment"
Since I got hung up on the car door the other day, I thought I'd share another stellar car door moment from the archives.

I learned to drive in a Chevy Suburban. Man, I miss that truck! It could pass anything but a gas station. At any rate, I drove it to school one day 'cause I had a large ungainly project to transport.

I am not exactly tall, and the Suburban wasn't what you'd call low to the ground so to disembark, I had to hop/jump/rappel out. So I slung my backpack over my shoulders, opened the door, hit the lock button automatically and jumped. Somehow or another, I managed a series of events - 1 - my backpack strap got hooked over the door; 2 - I bumped the door closed on the strap and 3 - the force of the jolt when the door closed caused me to drop my keys. The result of this series of events was that the keys were on the ground and I was dangling nearly 2 feet above the ground by my backpack, which was securely closed in the locked door.

Trapped. Trapped like a rat. Trapped like a rat while my esteemed fellow students laughed like hyenas at my predicament. Trapped further when a teacher came over to figure out what they were laughing at, and nearly hurt himself laughing at me as well. *sigh* Eventually, he recovered enough to get the keys, unlock the door and free me from captivity.

Looking back, I can only thank the stars that camera phones didn't yet exist.


From Friday, July 22. 2005: "Irony on a Sunday"
I have 'moments' often enough, that if I detailed all of 'em, I'd never get anything else done but last weekend's moment just smacks of the sort of irony I enjoy, when it happens to someone else.

When I get really ticked off at the world, very little makes me feel better than the sound of breaking china. Not glass, china. So, I haunt yard sales and goodwill and pick up cheap china, just so I can hurl it into walls when I feel like it.

The walls in my apartment would NOT react well to this treatment, so I use a brick wall outside. (My neighbors thought I was nuts BEFORE I started throwing things.)

Last weekend, I was out playing in my flowers in my bare feet. I stepped on something that REALLY hurt and after I dug it out of the bottom of my foot, I realized that it was a china fragment from my last temper tantrum. The china gets the last laugh this time!

From Tuesday, August 2, 2005: "Smokin'!!"
My work keeps the building very cold - I detest air conditioning - and so we've gotten into the habit of eating outside to warm up. (I bask in the sun like a reptile to store warmth for the rest of the day.) The tables outside are stone, with stone benches. Only one table has a tilt feature on the umbrella, but it gets quite toasty on the benches in the sun.

So yesterday, I took my lunch outside, wrestled the umbrella into the right position and plopped myself down for lunch. The bench was VERY warm. Uncomfortably warm...Ooh, my biscuits are burning warm. Well, these tables are built for 4 and we usually squish 7 or 8 people at each one, so I really didn't have room to sit anywhere else at the table. So I sat on that really hot bench for an hour...and now, ladies and gentlemen, I have burnt my ass - I got a sunburn from that damn bench!

Bonus friend moment: My friend C just told me that she went home last night, pulled in her driveway, shut off the car, got out and stuffed her key in the garage door (she just moved in and hasn't installed the garage door opener yet), and then spent several minutes swearing and fighting with the key, which wasn't unlocking the door. At some point, she realized that it wasn't unlocking the door because it wasn't her door. She had pulled into the driveway 2 down from hers.

From Friday, August 5, 2005: "Hair Moment, Revisited"
*sigh* I took my hair down last night and as usual, my disobedient hair wrapped itself around everything around me. Not thinking about it, I realized I was late for a meeting, jumped up to take off and was attacked by my chair, which was attached to me by several feet of hair. The chair came at me, I jumped backwards, tripped over my computer bag and landed in a heap on the floor, with my chair on top of me, still attached. AND not only did I land on the floor under the chair, I ended up in the aisleway between my cube and the wall, just as the VP of operations walked by. *shakes head* Why me?!?

From Monday, August 22, 2005: "Need More Caffeine..."
So yesterday I took the trash out to the dumpster, walking past my neighbors - who were sitting out on their patio enjoying the day. Got to the dumpster, spied my jeep and decided that I needed to check the oil. Went past the neighbors to go in and get my car keys. Realized that I was still holding the trash bag. Passed the neighbors to throw away the trash. Then passed them again to get my car keys then again with the keys to get into the jeep. Then again to find a paper towel to clean the oil off the dipstick then again to get back to the jeep to check the oil. Then again to go inside. Then back to the jeep to retrieve the house keys from the jeep. *giggle* They kind of looked like they were watching a tennis match - back and forth, back and forth. The last few times I wandered past them, they had a distinct look of - wow, something is WRONG with her - on their faces.


From Friday, December 2, 2005: "Coffee Mornings"
Every morning has a routine - I get into work, turn the 'puter on, grab my carafe and trudle off to the coffee station. This morning, like every other, I filled the carafe and hauled it back to my desk.

Today, I attempted to multitask, which always works well before my first shot of caffeine. So I was reading emails as I was pouring and pouring and pouring 'cause I kinda forgot that arm hanging in the air with the coffee pot. I totally flooded my entire desk - most of a pot of coffee tidalwaved over and out of the mug and washed my desk and most everything on it onto the floor, which is currently squishing.

*sigh* It's going to be a LONG day. I can just tell.

From Monday, December 19, 2005: "Dude, Where's My Car?"
so saturday night i braved the mall to do some christmas shopping. they're open 'till 11, so i arrived around 8:30, parked and went in.

just on a side note, what the hell HAPPENS to people in a mall?!? they walk normally in the parking lot, i've seen 'em do it! then they get inside and suddenly they're trying to propel themselves through syrup. hello! move your ass! i'm not here for the scenery and i WILL run your ass over if you don't stay out of my way. i know people who consider a trip to the mall as entertainment. i do not understand those people. i think of it as a war, and i'm not willing to take prisoners. i have an objective, a timeframe and i like the sound people make when they hit the ground and all the air rushes out of their lungs. grr.


anywho... i really don't like this mall 'cause it confuses me. it's got several levels and they all have entrances and i always get confused about what entrance i parked near and what level i have to be on to get out - erk, it's horrid. (keep your smartass remarks about my sense of direction to yourself, please.) and really, i'm sure the sight of me racing past people to one end of the mall only to stop in befuddlement, turn around and race the other way kept the security people entertained for the evening.

so, i finally finish my shopping (or more correctly, give up, utterly unable to deal any further with the rest of humanity), locate a likely looking exit and flee the building, lugging about 400 lb of christmas crap... only to wander around the nearly empty parking lot, freaking out 'cause i can't find the jeep that i know i parked RIGHT THERE. i found and commandered a shopping cart, which made lugging the crap easier, but it was REALLY FREAKING COLD and my jeep was totally gone and i was panicing bigtime - aargh someone stole it and i don't have time to deal with this!! so i decided to get security and i made my way back to the building. by this point, the mall is closed and the doors are locked, but before i decide to erm, finesse, the door, someone waiting for a ride let me in.

now you can picture me in my old-lady-purple coat, pushing a shopping cart full of bags and muttering to myself wandering lost in an empty shopping mall, looking for security... when i realize that i passed a hallmark going in and there's no hallmark in this hallway. crap. my next plan was to find a mall directory to locate the hallmark so i can get out and wow, that's like snipe hunting in december. but eventually i truimphed - at the wrong end of the mall and on the wrong level as well. *sigh*

so i truddled with my cart to the other end of the mall and up the down escalator (as entertaining as it could have been, they'd been turned off by this point) and out the correct door where my jeep was sitting in solitary splendor right where i left it. i felt kinda bad leaving the cart there in the cold when it had been so helpful...

flash to today, when i had to go out at lunch to pick up a filing cabinent. and once again it is freakin' cold here (chicago in december, go figure) and i have NO clue where i parked. so, i was wandering up and down the rows of cars when a coworker pulls up and rolls down his window to see what exactly i'm doing out there. and i told him that i couldn't remember where i put my car, and i was kind of looking around trying to spot it and he says to me - "you really have no clue where it is, do you?" he did offer to drive me around the parking lot and help look, but it's not that big of a lot and i'd already wandered through most of it and my jeep was in the aisle i was in, just hiding behind a hummer so i was close...

so there you have it - twice in three days i have totally and completely lost my vehicle and had to wander around outside in sub-zero weather for several minutes to find it. *headdesk* why me?

German Kung Fu

So, did anyone watch Jon Stewart last night?

He had a clip of our fearless leader grabbing onto the German chancellor at the G8 conference. She got this look of total revulsion on her face and threw her hands in the air - sort of like they tell you to do to break someone's hold on you in self defense class. Actually, Jon's comment was that she learned that maneuver in date rape avoidance class. I haven't been able to find the clip anywhere, and I prefer to check my sources. Did it really happen? The eight most important people on the planet, and one of them is so clueless regarding protocol that he clamps onto one of the others like she's one of his cigar-smoking crony poker buddies back on the ranch. WTF??

On the other hand, he also showed the clip of Bush vs. Putin on democracy. Here's the transcript:

BUSH: I talked about my desire to promote institutional change in parts of the world, like Iraq, where there's a free press and free religion. And I told him that a lot of people in our country would hope that Russia will do the same thing. I fully understand, however, that there will be a Russian-style democracy.

PUTIN: We certainly would not want to have same kind of democracy as they have in Iraq, quite honestly.

BUSH: Just wait.

"Just wait?!?" Wow. There's some stunningly clever repartee. Does that mean we're invading Russia next? *sigh*



EDIT: I'll be damned. It did happen. Check it out.

By Jove, I Think I've Got It!

So, today I set up something approaching a blogroll. I have no idea how to edit it, or move it from the bottom to the side, or (for that matter) give it a title, but I've managed to start one, AND have it show up on my blog. Hot dog! Maybe I can handle this whole technology thing after all. Next thing you know, I'll figure out how to turn off the fire alarm without ripping out all its little wires... Or or or how to adjust my toaster so that I don't set the damn alarm off in the first place.

Today, I feel all things technological are possible!

A Milestone, of sorts

Today is the first day that the kitten is free during the day. Up 'till this point, I've locked her in the spare room while I'm at work. I stopped locking her up at night on Friday (or maybe Thursday) of last week.

I sleep like the dead, which is fortunate because I think the kitten spends the entire night racing around the bed like it's a NASCAR track. Any downtime is spent chewing on any part of me above the covers. My hand looks like it went through a meat grinder, and I vaguely remember waking up sometime Saturday night to find a kitten wrapped around my hand, gnawing away.

My main line of defense to date has been to have the air conditioner on. I am not fond of air conditioning as a rule, and I prefer the hot, sticky weather we've had lately, but even I am not willing to remain too covered up when the temperature climbs into the 90s. So, the air conditioner is on and I spent my evenings in long pants and sweatshirts, hundled under blankets. That way, when the kitten climbs me like a tree, it's not actually my flesh that she's digging her razor-like little claws into.

My Sophia remains unconvinced about this whole thing. She is sorta playing with the kitten, occasionally. She chases it around, and it chases her, but she's still spending most of her time up high on the hutch, or on the top shelf of the flora cart.

Sophia is quite the picky eater - food is her kibble in her bowl. Food is not my food or different kinds of her food. Spiders and flying things are food, if she can catch 'em. The invisible semi-annual invaders are food. Kitten food is NOT food - she tried to bury it after a sniff. The kitten, on the other hand, eats EVERYTHING. I am not used to having to guard my food from the cat. I walked in the room yesterday to find the kitten snarfing down cheese corn. This can't be good for her (although the orange all over her face and whiskers was pretty cute). Also yesterday, the kitten damn near drowned herself in a coffee mug, trying to drink my coffee. I'm thinking that the last thing I need is to caffinate that animal. And she LOVES Sophia's food - just hoovers it right down. So, Sophia's food is now living on the hutch, where the kitten can't reach it. Lord only knows what we're going to do when the kitten is big enough to jump.

Of course, that's assuming we keep it. I have yet to name the kitten, and on the whole, I don't think it's nearly cute enough to put up with the irritation. This little adventure has definitely reinforced my no-children policy. If Sophia doesn't warm up to this creature, it's outta here. I think I can watch it growing, though, so hopefully this kitten stage won't last too long and it'll turn into a cat - one both of us can get along with.

Spiders, Oh My!

Several years ago, my uncle bought a house in Phoenix. It had been a rental for many years, and the small 'yard' between the house and the carport had been largely neglected. There's a shed to the one side that contains the washer and dryer, and it was home to spider central - many of them black widows. My uncle is not the spider lover that I am, and he bug bombed the bejesus out of the area, until it was mostly arachnid free. I say mostly, because there was one very sizable black widow that lived behind the siding of his house, accessible through the gap under his outside faucet. You don't know my uncle, but he's very quiet, introspective and intellectual. The image of him, sliding mission impossible style through his door, with a can of raid in both hands, trying to sneak up on this spider then jumping around the doorframe and letting go with both barrels (er, cans) only to have the spider escape uninjured AGAIN just makes me happy. He spent literally months trying to kill this thing - with cans of spray, with brooms and shoes and the hose and other assorted tools, and I'm not sure he ever got it - but his stories of his battles with the spider made my day on more than one occasion.

Flash forward to present day. My brother bought a house a year ago. His adventures in spider-cide have kept me entertained since he moved in. Picture, if you will, my brother with a raid can in one hand and his 'spider broom' in the other as he circles his house on a murderous rampage... The spiders outside appreciate, I think, that Scott cleans all those husks out of the way while they hide in the sliding.

At any rate, if you were to venture down into scott's mostly finished basement, you may spot the source of scott's current unrest. A large spider lives in a hole near his fake fireplace. Scott has been gunning for this thing for months. He's got a can of raid sitting on the steps, where he can grab it and charge for the hole. The other day, he came home and went downstairs to find the spider on the far wall - too far away from his hole to make it to safety. Scott, scenting triumph, decided that a more hands-on approach was called for, and went after the spider with his shoe. As the spider fled for its life, Scott smacked at it - and the spider knew to alter its pattern. Right before impact, the spider dodged and varied its speed, so Scott never connected... But he chased it all the way across the basement, where the spider dove into its hole. (I get pictures of Bugs Bunny swan diving into his hole after escaping Elmer Fudd in my head every time I picture this.)

Scott recently had a flooding problem. It rained all day, then it dumped 7" of rain in under four hours on the area. His sump pump decided that was the perfect time to die so Scott ended up with several inches of standing water in his basement. Apparently, at one point, Scott was sitting on his steps, watching the water rise, with his cat sitting next to him. Suddenly, Hammie's litter box came floating out of one room and past the steps. Apparently the look on the cat's face was almost worth the water. As Scott pondered the water levels in his basement, he noticed the spider, up high on the wall - also pondering the water in the basement. Scott said that the relief he felt upon realizing that the flood had not killed his adversary is making him rethink his position on killing it. He can't help but respect his enemy, and may end up leaving the spider alone.

Both my uncle and my brother swear that they can hear the spiders laughing at them. I think maybe they've both inhaled a bit too much insecticide.

And you know what? My other uncle had a spider episode many years ago in my grandmother's old house. The spider lived in the sink, and every time anyone made a grab for it, it would jump down the drain and escape. My uncle spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to kill that spider and finally one day, he snapped. He poured something flammable down the sink, then he sprayed a bunch of hairspray down the drain, and then... He lit a match and dropped that down the sink too. The resulting explosion blew off his eyebrows, but the most painful part of the experience for my uncle was having that damn spider pop back out of the drain. Hmm. He swore he could hear the spider laughing at him too. I'm beginning to sense a trend.

This is at least partly why I have a catch and release policy - my family does not have an impressive track record when it comes to doing away with our 8 legged neighbors.

A Breakthrough?

Last night, while the kitten was asleep, Sophia snuck up on it, sniffed its head, and didn't hiss. This is the first time that she's been within 2 feet of it and hasn't sounded like a dragon. We'll see.

Yay!

MM and Blaze the Wonder Dog have made it back from the dark side. We're still waiting for the full story, but both of them are bruised and battered. Apparently Blaze's old owner stole him from the Magazine Mansion, just to beat the crap out of him. I just report the news, folks, I don't try to explain it. Whatever his motivation, I hope the asshat rots for a good long while.

Hissin' in the Pit

I've subjected numerous people to what my family affectionately calls 'Pete Hill jokes' over the years. All I remember to another one is the punchline 'hissin' in the pit' and something about baby snakes. *shrug* One day it'll come to me.

In the meantime, this phrase was running through my head yesterday as I watched my Sophia react to the presence of another four-footed furry one. I've been debating with myself about this since a bit before Memorial Day. My mom's cat had 6 kittens. She's keeping one, my brother is taking one to entertain his cat and she's looking for homes for the rest. [Want a kitty??]

My poor Sophia spends a lot of time alone, and I've considered getting another cat for a while. She was also the only cat in a cage at the shelter, and she had that bright orange caution sticker. I just have never determined whether that sticker was for people or other pets.

When my brother lived near my parents' house, I would stay with him over the holidays. I would also bring Sophia with me. His cat, Hammie, is an affectionate but timid Russian Blue. Hammie (short for hammerhead, as his friendly head-butts to the backs of your knees can send you flying) is a sack o' sand cat. Anything you want to do to him is okay by him. He is one of those cats that you hear about, that you can dress up in baby clothes and haul them around like luggage. One thing: Hammie LOVES other kitties. They aren't ever as fond of him, but he certainly tries. Think here of Peppy La Pew and his frantic cat girlfriend.



One of the funniest things I've ever seen was near Christmas a couple of years ago, while Sophia and I were at my brother's. I was cross-stitching. My cat has a string/thread fetish. Sophia was utterly intent upon my needle and thread, and the tip of her tail was twitching. Hammie was utterly intent on the tip of Sophia's tail. He came slinking along the couch, stalk stalk stalk and then POUNCE! onto her tail. My cat jumped several feet into the air, hissed like a dragon and took off running, with Hammie in hot pursuit. Poor baby - it makes me laugh just thinking about it.

At any rate, I went home for the fourth of July and was captivated by the little balls o' fuzz. So captivated, in fact, that when I returned to the Chicago area last Wednesday, I brought along a small passenger. The road trip wasn't nearly as bad as I feared - the kitten spent most of the time sprawled bonelessly across my lap, dreaming kitten dreams. I also hauled back some of my furniture, so I had a fair bit of unloading to do.

My first trip into the house, I deposited the kitten in the spare room and shut the door. Then I grabbed my cat, stuffed her in my bedroom and shut the door. This way, I could leave the sliding glass door open while I unloaded without fear of feline escape. It didn't take Sophia long at all to start complaining about her captivity, and she was in mid-yowl when the kitten also voiced her displeasure at being detained. (She has an impressive lung capacity for one so small.) Sophia's yowl died mid-stream, and she was suddenly a very quiet kitty. After I finished unloading, I freed her, and she immediately glued herself to the spare room door.

*sniff, sniff* Indignant look at me - one that clearly says, "What the hell have you done?!?" *sniff, sniff* *mutter, growl*

I scooped her up, went into the spare room, shutting the door behind me, and plopped down on the floor with my Sophia in my lap. The kitten came bounding over (as much as she could - coordination is still something of an issue), thrilled to find another cat here in the wilderness. Sophia quickly disabused her of that notion. My baby turned into a hissing, snarling demon.

So far, Sophia has been dealing with the issue by sticking to the high road. By that I mean that she's been living on top of all the furniture, and hissing anytime the kitten passes below her. The kitten resides in the spare room while I'm at work, and at night. I'll give Sophia a couple of weeks to adjust, but I'm trying hard not to get too attached to the kitten, just in case things don't work out. I already miss my Sophia - I'm on the shit list for now. Wish me luck with the adjustment period!

The Lengths We Go To...

The Magazine Family over at the Masthead is not having a pleasant holiday. Their dog, Blaze, was apparently stolen off his run in their backyard. Given that the neighbors' disappeared dog ended up being found in the city's garage dump, a victim of dogfighting, there's a whole lot of people currently fearing the worst for Blaze.

Some bonehead with 20/20 hindsight demanded to know why Blaze was left unattended for a split second (which actually makes me wonder if someone was gunning for him, 'cause he's not unattended often). Being much more gracious than I happen to be, MM turned it into a request: when you say that your animals are family, to what extent do you mean it? Give examples.

It got me to thinking, which was undoubtedly the point. I've said for years that I prefer animals to most people. I've cried harder for them than at any other occasion in my life (but I am very fortunate that I haven't lost those closest to me). So, how far would I go? I'm not sure I'll know until I'm actually there, but I can look back at what I've done in the past.

I ripped all the duct work out of the basement to free my hamster, who promptly bit me. At the time, however, I was all of 10 or so and didn't understand the havoc I was wreaking on our heating and cooling system. I still have the scars, from the bite and from the nasty slice I got from the really sharp metal edges of the ducts. Of course, since then I've ripped into those ducts often enough, to free assorted rodents, that Dad actually put in a little door specifically to rescue the wildlife that finds its way in from the dryer vent. So I'd have to say that the second time I tore it all apart, to save a chipmunk, took more nerve, since I vividly remembered Dad's reaction to the first time. I took a deep breathe, thought to myself, "well, I'm going to pay for this," and dug in.

As a teenager, I braved "the thunderstorm of the century" in a nightgown to retrieve my panic-stricken cat. I nearly got squashed by two different trees before I caught the cat and made it back to the safety of our basement. In this case, as with most, I can't take credit for bravery or even nerve (or sense for that matter), since it never occurred to me until it was too late to turn back that maybe this wasn't the wisest course of action.

And really, maybe that is one of the defining characteristics of "family" - to be willing to rush headlong into something dangerous, maybe even lethal, knowing full well that you are going to potentially (maybe even probably) cause yourself pain and doing it anyway because it needs done, because you've promised someone - even if it was just yourself - that you were the caregiver. It was your responsibility to see to the safety, care and comfort of that soul.

I've darted into the street in front of a moving vehicle to snatch a very dear friend's toddler from nearly under the bumper. We were in the house and an hour had passed before I realized that I very nearly didn't make it. If I'd been wearing a bulky sweater that day, that car would have had me. Once again, sheer blind reflex.

I routinely risk my fingers moving snapping turtles out of the path of traffic, and I probably risked more than that freeing a fox from a leg trap one winter day many years ago. That is not extraordinary behavior as far as I'm concerned. I have zero tolerance for seeing animals in pain. My feeling is that if you have the ability to reason and to realize that someone/something is in distress, then you have the responsibility to do something about it.

I've spent more money than I care to think about (and certainly more than I had readily available at the time) on vet bills. Fred, our cockatiel, managed to get into rat poison once - I caught him crunching those greenish bluish pellets like candy and my heart stopped. We spent several hundred dollars on the vet, and then had the added joy of another couple of weeks of giving him shots in his scrawny little chest, and squirting medication down his throat to bring him back to full strength. The best was when the little shit figured out that he could stick his tongue into the end of the syringe to keep the medication from flowing down his little birdie gullet.

I have volunteered with abused and neglected horses for years, and some of the things I've seen that people do to them just sickens me. I've been in situations where I stood there in horror and literally had no idea where to start - like when some fucknut decided to hogtie a misbehaving filly to a fence - with barbed wire. Or the little goat that was stuck, chest high, in a stall so full of waste that he literally couldn't move. At what point, exactly, did this seem like the proper way to care for an animal?

And that brings me to what is the hardest thing of all: when there is nothing you can do but say goodbye, and help them go gently into the night... When I was 12, and our dog had arthritis so badly that we had to carry him outside to go to the bathroom, and he looked at my mom, his best friend in the whole wide world, and she knew he was ready to call it quits... When our cat was hit by a car, and dragged herself home and touching her caused her so much pain... When Fred, our wonderful little cockatiel, wouldn't eat and couldn't sleep and stayed puffed up and miserable in the corner of his cage... And now, with Lady, our courageous, ferocious darling with her damned pure-blooded hindquarters, who drags herself over to get pats and attention and snaps at her own rear when it won't do what she wants it to, and who is so mortified at her growing incontinence. It's killing me inside, and I'm crying now, because I know her time is short. She looked at me the other day the way Hanz looked at Mom all those years ago - this isn't fun anymore and she's ready to go home. Now I need to find the strength that my mom had then - to let go, to say goodbye and help her leave the body that's become a prison.

I don't know if there's a Heaven or a Hell, or if it's all just Karma and we're working our way up from dung beetles but Hell is saying goodbye. And if Heaven doesn't include my four-footed friends, I'm not going.